Saw Chris Medina's story on him and his wife and I am very touched by it. When will we find undying love in which its physical form changes but not the spirit of it. He has been by her side after so long and gone through so much together. And as I watched the story, I wonder how she's feeling whilst seeing him taking care of her and still loving her as much but yet unable to express it out... This video is definitely worth watching

Motivation

Its just amazing that 2 words and a smiley is able to liven your day up when your experiencing the worse week and feeling like shit...Sometimes I just wish that you would be able to know how i felt... Alright back to work...!

In school now... Sent my parents, sister, aunties and grandma off. And my meeting is at 10am, so now I am sitting here waiting for my group mates. Was reflecting and many thoughts flash through my mind, from when I was in primary school, to secondary, subsequently to poly, and making it through army and finally Uni. Wouldn't say that I've suffered much but at least I finally felt that I'm a grown up. Maybe because this is like the first time I'm alone without my family though, thus feeling a little sentimental.

Yesterday went to see the doctor with regards to my nervousness which increases my blood pressure. So went there for a check. And it was just stress. Its this feeling of intensity, a very heavy feeling, making your heart pound non-stop. Its just a very weird feeling i guess, like your brain's about to explode.

Whilst waiting for the doctor, I was playing around the function in my ipod, listening to songs and I found the video which Ive made for you when you went for your attachment. I thought it was lost, when my hard disk crashed and I was damn happy to finally see the video despite trying tonnes of ways to recover my stuff in my hard disk.

And as i watched the video, memories of you appear. For the past one month, i tried hard not to think of you because i thought to myself, enough is enough, or else I will never move on. But I realized I still couldn't. For the past month, its like something was missing, this sense of happiness and joy when I see you. The assurance you gave me when you told me that I could make it through smu. You were the only one who believed that I could make it through smu.

But the past one month without you was horrid. The only moment I felt truly stress-free was when I'm with you. People kept saying why do you like her for so long? You did so much but she also never reciprocate. But I always had this question, have i really settled any of her problems before? Was i there for her as a friend when she was feeling sad? What did I exactly do for her?

In the end as i was searching through my thoughts for past events when I was really there for her, in which i realized that I did not even fulfill the bare minimum, not even as a friend. Its like she did not let me in to her world and that I knew so little of her...

I wished I could have done more, express my feelings earlier. For i've never truly felt happiness deep from my heart, till I met you. Someday, i wish i could be the center of your world, the first one who comes to your thought should you need help.

damn.. Had a nervous breakdown today. Went to visit a doctor for a while. But everything's fine now. Just sudden accumulated of mental stress. Iam not psycho ok! Anyway, my results are out. Quite ok with it though, but if only i can remember how to do one particular question. Would have gotten better results.

Anyway my parents are flying off soon, for a week, so its home alone for me, but it makes no diff though, since iam staying in school till like 10ish daily..

Somebody save me! But somehow, Iam enjoying this. Somehow...

Feeling as depressed as I was last semester when I took my java lab test and in the end i got 1/30, a secret which only 1 of my good friend knows. That feeling was terrible, and it was because of that, in which i almost submitted my letter of withdrawal but luckily my prof advised me not to, in the end i did alright. But now, faced with another challenge and i really dunno if i can get through this at all... Really worried.

Used to have someone to talk to about this, she was the one who gave me courage to continue pursuing a degree and she was the only one whom i consulted and trusted. Not even my family knows about the fact that I actually got an internship job at exoon mobil and rejected their request for a final interview with me, before i'm selected to go work for them. Now, i don't know if I really will regret studying this course or not. All i know is that she once pointed me to a direction that she felt was right for me, and i heed her advice. Now, my sense and source of direction is gone, who can i find to affirm that the decision to continue studying was correct in the first place?

I used to think that she was just someone whom i really like, and thats all. But little did i know that she has the capability to actually influence my life. If only she also has the same feeling and thinking as me...

Sometimes, i felt that the things ive said, always go unheard. For example, i suggested my ocsp group to conduct fund raising of an item on 2 separate days, instead of one day but it goes unheard. And now we have wastage. And if everyone finds 10 pple, this matter could have been easily settled. But some pple just din put in enough effort to get things done.

Another thing, for one of my mod, i warned my group against presenting in such a way, but they din want to listen to me, in the end we got shot down by the prof then they came up to me, saying what i said was right. Whats the use by then when the damage has been done?

Seriously, i always felt that my words should be listened to, but yet it makes it seem as if iam domineering and not willing to take in second opinion.

Saw her 2 days ago, and thats it. The weeks of how much Ive been living in self-delusion just ended. And its back to square one. Can u fucking give me back my life. Cause its damn tiring to keep thinking and thinking and thinking of u. ARGH!

Shall go to sleep... Tml's gonna be a busy day!~

Europe backpacking by next summer! I am really looking forward to it. Eiffel tower, leaning pizza, berlin's wall, lurve museum.. I am really excited! But beforehand, I will need to work and get at least 5k before the trip. =)

Today's officially my slacking day, and i refused to work. Too tired though. Catching up on my shows and stuff, i realized just how lazy I am last semester and i am definitely seeing fruits of my labor, and it sure hell feels good to do well in exams and projects though. Maybe the diversion of attention is something good.

Something's lacking though... Nah nah.. Shall not dwell in it... Time for more shows!

Overwhelmed by my own workload, so much so that I suddenly woke up from my sleep and decided to complete my stuff before having my beauty sleep. Sometimes, I really need a vacation, to relax and leave this hectic schedule. How i wish so...

All of a sudden, I am feeling kind of tired. It feels like I am running away from something. Something which instills this sense of fear in me. What can i do to get rid of this self-inflicted lack of self-confidence? I sometimes feel that I do not belong to uni at all. I really put in alot of effort, but why is it that I am unable to resolve a problem in which iam stuck at for like hours? While others can simply solve it in mere few mins?

What is it that they have done in which i did not? Or is it simply because I am overly stupid?

Getting tired... Anyone have the same sentiments as me? I doubt so.

I HATE BEING LECTURED BY YOU DURING PROJECT.
I HATE HOW YOU ARE SUCH A SHOW OFF.
I HATE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.

I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING USELESS
I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING STUPID
I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST YOU BECAUSE I LACKED THE ABILITY
I HATE HOW I AM BEING SUCH A NOOB.

Note to self:
And when all the hatred for yourself outweighs the hatred for the someone you disliked, you ought to think about your capability again. Cause it just shows how incapable you are.

Thanks for putting me down, but i promise you, i will bounce up higher than you! Just wait and see...

Sometimes I wonder if I am too authoritative as a leader though. I tried leading my groups but one of the mod made me feel kindda useless. Nonetheless, I will strive hard and not give up though.

Ive really worked doubly hard this sem, though i dunno if i work in the right way though. But i do hope that my efforts will pay off. And today i actually am crazy enough to spend like 25 mins with my meta group mates just to seek some comfort and they nv fail to cheer me up. Really would like to thank them for being my source of motivation. =)

Recently I have joined an OCSP (some overseas community project) but it seemed that my team put in hard work, but our efforts do not pay off. Hopefully we can raise enough funds, to at least relieve some burden that the team is facing.

For now, its back to work again, but relaxation first! ciao

Today was quite a fruitful one, good company during dinner, small chats and heart to heart talks seriously made my day, though i left school at about 11pm.

Finally, I had some clues about java, something happened which awakens me to strive harder and for the better. The more you put me down, the tougher i get. And I am glad that i finally woke up and gave my best. So far, for examinations, i would say I am doing not too badly. Hopefully i can keep it up though. Was rather upset that prof did not put my marks for my econs mid terms into the paper which lists down results of, i guess everyone. Cause my 2 friends and my results were left out from the list. Nonetheless, i should feel happy that my efforts has paid off. And it felt kindda funny to know your exam results earlier than the rest, since being the more kiasu me, decided to ask the prof for consultation.

Some people may see their efforts pay off, some may not. For me, i always ask myself whether did i try hard enough, if not, i will just try harder and if things still do not get any better, then at least i am accountable to myself only.

anyway, One of my friend's team member was so full of himself that he disregards people around him and i seriously do hope he gets some form of punishment for being so arrogant. Perhaps i am jealous of his capability and also the fact that i do not have his achievements. But that does not give him the right to disregard people's feelings.

Anyway, gotta get back to studying, seriously got lots of catching up to do. And i really do hope everyday is like today. And i am thankful for the friends whom ive made in smu. I can always count on them to make my day. =)