Well well, a little update, i did average for my first sem in uni.. So things are kinddda going smoothly for me... Nonetheless, i should put in more effort. Christmas was well spent with beach sand and good company. Though i was kindda alone at the beach the whole time since my cousins are playing other things most of the time.
And new yr is coming... how fast... 2010 is kindda meaningful cause firstly, i got out of army, secondly, uni life was pretty harsh but fulfilling and lastly, my family and I are kindda closer now. So things are going pretty well, except for r/s? haha.. Same old story...

I thought i could find the one in smu though, but in the end, everyone's just busy with their studies and could not care less about each other unless there's really like spare time for concern. But most of the time iam just busy preparing for lessons, presentations or group work.

Well thats all i have, so i will try to update more, but do not expect too much from me... haha... ciao.
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ni shuo de na ju hua, wo hai zai xin li tou xiang ze...
sui ran wo zhi dao ze shi yi chang mei you jia guo de si nian,
dan shi, mei you ren, lian wo zhi ji, tou wu fa zu zhi ze yi ge shi nian.
wu nian le, ni yao wo ze mo zuo cai rang wo hao hao de ai ni...
zuo tian wo de xin hao tong, sui ran tou yi jing ting le hen tuo ci, dan shi mei yi ci ni shuo le na ju "ni ok ma, wo men shi peng you ma..." wo de xin sui le...
hao lei ah, dao di ji shi wo zai neng gou bu xiang ni...

Long time din update already, everything's been ok so far. Stress has gotten to me and i am feeling the heat man. Wonder if i can last for 4 yrs or not.
Recently, iam kindda lacking in social life, not going out with friends but staying at home and do mountains wirth of assignments. Kindda sad huh. But somehow i feel kindda satisfied everytime i complete something though...

Alright shall end off here, see ya ard....
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She came, wearing a dress and looking as pretty..
Her long hair falls upon her graceful shoulders as she walks towards me...
Somehow, i was lost for words..
I pretended to be normal, admiring her beauty..
That was when it strike me that ive nv appreciated her beauty and look at her so closely before...

Everytime when i see you, iam reminded of all the beautiful things in the world...

I hope that one day, I will be able to relay my thoughts out loud and tell you things that ive been long wanting to tell.

I seriously dunno what got into me...

Sometimes i admire the courage of a few friends who went to overseas to pursue what they want. Its hard for me to just leave the country leaving everything behind and start a new life. SOmetimes i hate myself for being so cowardly. I dunno. its been a really emotional roller coaster for me these few weeks. Iam feeling motivated but soon a torch fire will extinguished also right? I duno how long i can keep up with this.
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getting a glimpse of her is so hard. Sometimes i even look at her from behind, i just couldn't walk there and say hi. I dunno why... But iam glad that all the school work has kindda divert my attention a little. Focus focus! iam thinking of her again.. damn

Alright, its been long since i have blogged. A whole new life started last week for me and imagine i am mugging in school. Not to comment myself for being hardworking (which iam trying to imply LOL) but there's a 101 things to do man. Hardcore life.

Everyone seem so outstanding compared to me and i kept thinking what kind of skills i have but in the end, i find that i have nth to boast about. I don't know man. Its a do or die thing to me though. Seriously, dun wish to disappoint my parents who have been very supportive of me ever since school starts.

Anyway above is a brief glimpse onwards to my life which is definitely not enjoyable man!

ciao.

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The truth always hurt no matter how many times i know you will never like me.
I just wanna hold you even for just a minute.
Why can't it be possible... =(

hmm iam seriously very nervous about school tml.. haiz night all!

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Craving for some encouragement from you which obviously will not happen...
oh well..

Alright, just had my first lesson on java. Almost died halfway. Kindda worried now man. I nv had the habbit of reading or revising esp. on a friday night but miraculously i took out my notes and started practising my java.

On a side note, I'm gonna disrupt in like a week's time which is a blink of an eye. Still remembered how i reported to my new unit with my duffel bag and barang barang. The initial suffering that I had and the dark days, the selfishness of people, army has indeed let me withness the ugly side of people. finally overcame it and everything was soon in control, with the new storemen, things started to get better till i was arrowed to handle overseas evaluation in thailand, but i am glad everything went smoothly.

Now i'm waiting to leave this horrendous unit, but the bonds made with my friends, i will never forget it. Because of them, my life in unit is much happier.

Lastly, hopefully i can do well in my new school! ciao.

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It seemed that I've fallen deeper into this vortex,
here i am thinking that i've climbed up.
I will have some results before i asked you again,
and by then i hope you will accept the new me...

Well well, i suddenly missed the children ive helped with when iam in thailand doing volunteering work. The house built, with the children singing in thai and holding hand in hand and circling around us and the adults thanking us all the way for our help and i kindda teared thinking about them cause i really miss them so much. The satisfaction you get and sense of achievement when you see smiling faces makes you want to do more. I may not know their names but, iam proud to say ive made an impact on their lives even if it only for a few days, cause as simple as it sounds, all they want is to live happily everyday. Which sounds too normal for us but thinking back, isn't that the essence of life? Have we goten to a point where we expect so much just because we want to fulfil our inner satisfaction?

Well well i leave it for the readers to figure it out... Anyway today's meetup was GREAT except for the lousy satays!
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I dunno if its coincidence or just a random comment by her but she said she believes i can make it through...

And that was the assurance i needed for the past few weeks, and she is the only one who said believed in me... It doesn't mean alot to her, maybe just a random comment but to me, it was a morale boaster.

Somehow, she always manages to find a way to lighten up my day and take away the worries ive had, unknowningly.

Iam still searching for someone as perfect as her i guess?

"Ive always wanted you to know that no one can ever replace you. ju tao peng."

stop loving you is just like asking me to walk on water.
Its impossible.
But iam covering my tracks,
trying to hide it,
so that when i turn back,
i won't have to look for my way, back to the source of the misery...

Alright so now i have a worry! What if i dropped out halfway after announcing to the whole world iam going to SMU? Iam not afraid of that but my family will probbaly feel iam not giving in my all huh. I dunno man, iam seriously feeling damn insecure now. And it hasn't even start and the pressure's building up! Damn... I seriously need to tune my mindset a little. I remembered a while ago i told myself i will treasure this chance and at least get a degree but it seemed that the ciruculum kills man...! Damn iam feeling goddamn stressed to the MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Find me a path,
Show me a direction,
give me a destination,
and i will crawl towards there even if need be!

The firewall's breaking down,
my defense has been intruded once again.
Thoughts sipped in like flash floods,
No matter how i tried it doesn't stop swarming in.
how long i wonder it takes to stop all these...

Alright this is my 100th post, so here goes... Today, played pool with lesnar and marcus then headed for mac and mac again for coffee. Re-lived the days where we played "zhong ji mi ma" and drunk ourselves with gallons of water. Alright maybe i over exaggerated, after that went home and rested till now. Anyway, going to uni isn't as simple as just enrolment and paying fees, apparently, i still have to attend tonnes of briefing and camps and settle lots of admin issues. Isn't easy keeping track of the dates man.

Lastly, i gotten a nokia C6 without much due consideration but i've no regrets for using C6 though. Ciao.
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I was wondering which is more painful? Breaking up with someone uve gone steady for years or bearing the pain of not able to be with the one you want.
Both are equally painful i guess but think about it, at least when u break up u once held the person's hands u've long wanted.

But loving someone and yet not able to hold her is as unbearable i suppose. You can only look at the person from distance and walk away cause any minute when she looks at me in the eye, the feelings rekindle and i'm left spiralling again with thoughts of her.

Breaking up is as painful.

In the end, the one who gives more ends up losing the most. Thats the risk i guess.

Today's went out in the morning with marcus, had lunch gathering with my unit commanders at seoul garden which costs a whooping 24 bucks. Definitely not worth the money. After that was dinner gathering with my family and relatives then home sweet home.

Its been long that I din even think anything about work AT ALL! Kudos to me.. Cause i've been looking forward to this for so long. Anyway, i could not find anyone to watch despicable me... =( I guess i have to catch it myself.

Last but not least i'm all hyped up for the next 2 weeks cause its camps and more camps! Hopefully i will enjoy it. Ciao.
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Was recovering my old hardisk which i thought was spoilt,
And found the video which i wanted to recover so badly last time.
the one which i made for you before u left for your attachment.
Saw it once, twice, thrice and its on repeat mode again and again.
Though it reminds me of a very bad sting,
but it made me happy.
as i lie on my bed, reliving on the memories ive had with ya.
Call it reminiscing, or maybe the past but the experiences felt so yesterday.
And a min ago, i've suddenly snapped out of it,
thinking why should i continue torturing myself.
I swear if you'd ever need me,
I will always be there.

Well well.. Today's my off day. Ive been good during the weekend, din go out or anything. Had a good and quiet family time. And today, I spent my day watching dramas and the eclipse.

I was considering watching alone cause no one i know actually watches it. Thankfully i found it online. pple say that the movie is disgusting, and is only for lovers to enjoy but i particularly felt much for jacob's one sided love for bella but at the end, at least she kindda likes him though he doesn't have the chance. And the way he portrayed his feelings after going through a tough rejection which is what i can relate to. In the end, he also chose to leave her. There's this scene where jacob upon knowing that she and edward is getting married, bella asked "what can i do to make you not leave", jacob says there's nothing she can do. And he promptly left.

Perhaps its kindda what i'm going through now, thus i know what the movie is trying to depict the love between bella and jacob. But i'm glad that bella does have feelings for him though. Maybe it sounds gay or very unmanly of me liking this movie but somehow the feelings portrayed attracts me. Definitely worth watching.

Alright i gotta go soon. Going out to get some work done. Ciao...
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You never understood how fucked up i felt... You never will. To you, my one sided love must be non existent huh. No calls, no smses nth... Once again, iam left all alone fighting with my thoughts.

有时候 我真的觉得好寂寞
虽然你什么都没说 只是静静的抱着我
却轻轻对我说 我只是 普通的朋友
爱的感觉不同 付出的爱没有结果
想不透 我知道自己没有错
爱你的心忘了上锁 傻傻让爱变成一种折磨
你对我一点不在乎 我还是爱的不认输
对你的爱我选择让步
被放逐 在寒冷的边境
去学习 暧昧不清不是甜蜜
不再理 所谓的不公平
静静的离去 轻轻的闭上眼睛

想不透 我知道自己没有错
爱你的心忘了上锁 傻傻让爱变成一种折磨
你对我一点不在乎 我还是爱的不认输
对你的爱我选择让步
被放逐 在寒冷的边境
去学习 暧昧不清不是甜蜜
不再理 所谓的不公平
静静的离去 轻轻的闭上眼睛

damn, I knew i should not have even see u...
Sleepless nights once more.

no matter how much i try to conceal,
that mask will fall off someday.
be it covered, hidden or buried under that pile of lies,
it will still be exposed one day.
the only thing i can do is to keep holding on to the mask,
till it never falls off,
till it stays on with me,
until it becomes a norm...

somehow there's this anguish in me towards you,
that makes me feel why the fuck i'm hopelessly in love with you last time.

Just came back from dinner with family at lavender food centre. had their famous kok kee wanton mee and ate the fish head steamboat which is awesome and filling.
Afternoon, went to play arcade at star factory with jia fu, playing tekken 6 and challenging other people which was fun. Addicted to the game though.

Anyway, to my friends out there who had breakups be it current or in the past, I went through it before, though the r/s is just a mere 3 mths. Think about it, what if you 2 were still together, will you 2 still be happy. So what if 1 party decides to continue the r/s out of fear and guilt that the other will not be happy, ultimately the feelings has already disappear. And until you continue the r/s this way till the other party decides that the time for marriage has come, by then wouldn't the breakup be more saddening?

I know the party who had a change of feeling is guilty of it, but ending the misery now is definitely much better because ultimately, the breakup's gonna come sooner or later, just a matter of time. to those out there, stay strong yea.

Well, well... back from a gruesome outfield week. Busy, and more things to come.. But, I'm only left with 11 working days and i'm so out of here!

Anyway, i seriously have nth much to update cause its all army related and iam not really interested to blog about it neither do you guys want to read it.

Oh ya, saw an angel at some SMU event yesterday. She's sporty, loves basketball, friendly, talks about anything in the world etc. Just the girl i want.. haha! Though its just a 2 hr interaction but i'm mesmerized by her! Dang..

ciao.

"Every people always preach encouragements and life quotes to themselves, but how often are they applied? At the end of the day you see yourself knitting a whole lot of bullshit of wanting to be sucessful in life or being the bestest you ever can when your just lazing around trying to get by life"

A quote that I made last time which i find it too true.

Alright i've decided to blog more. Why? Simple. I want to improve on my english which i realized is deteriorating. Basically the gang minus lesnar and joc went to watch toy story 3 which was nice, as i'm blogging, iam cuddling my bear which i used to play with. LOL! Gotcha!

Anyway, walked from Cine to Goodwood park hotel and ordered durian desserts which i simply enjoyed eating! After that went home met up with my gang for basketball session.

As you can see i am SUPPOSED to book in but i did not. Feeling kindda lazy.

Anyway, brenda and guang liang you 2 better hang out with us more as GL has already passed out! Haha, i said this because sometimes i don't know how to start a conversation with the both of you! haha, my fault for not being creative la. And brenda, if your reading this!! Tell GL to stop disturbing my emo entry!! haha.

Lastly, a happy father's day to all! See ya around peeps...
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Trying to get through the wall of thoughts painted with your images.
I know this huddle is gonna be over soon...

Ah guang's parade was a sucess... Happy for him as he embark onwards to a new unit life.. Work hard man. Anyway had a small fever and flu and i still went la. Was kindda sian sian cause of the stupid tiredness.

Anyway today's father's day and yet my dad seems to be the one who does more than us, cooking breakfast and cleaning up the dishes for us. I was angry with him the previous night, imagine a day's of hard work then to return home with your dad yelling vulgarities at you just cause u do not know the bookout timing. I was pissed, very. He doesn't seem to understand me at all sometimes. But nevertheless pple often because of anger overlooked the good points and past contributions the person has made but definitely not me. I'm always appreciative of what he does , maybe not all. LOL.

Alright, iam going out soon, happy dad's day to my dearest dad. Stay forever young and thanks for what u've done for us! i wonder why i wrote the above line when he doesn't even know my blog link. LOL. Ciao.

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the emptiness just won't stop filling up,
I tried to cover the wound,
but it turns out that even of its healed there will still be scar,
to remind you of the pain.
It may sound exaggerating but
it ain't love if the feelings are not amplified.
For now, iam beggining to feel better.
Maybe.

Well life's been busy this week because of stocktake and outfield. Other than that, nth much has been happening. Oh ya, went to watch the A-team which was good but drastically in lack of transition scenes thus causing the movie's flow to go haywire.

Anyway, morning's house cleaning and after that, its back to watching all my mangas and animes. Took a record of 3 days to watch the whole of slam dunk (thats like 100 episodes each lasting for about 25mins!) which is quite a feat. =)

Got inspired by the movie and went for basketball, i found back the passion for the game already and i'm really excited for the upcoming selection for SMU basketball team so wish me luck alright.

Other than that, matriculation has been such a bitch. Have to remember important dates, do this and that etc etc. But iam all hyped about my new life just that i'm not really confident, cause i know my own limits. Like the saying goes, "If you can't fly high, you stay low and enjoy the view of the beautiful sky below". In other words, be contented.

Alright enough of philosophy shit. Anyway, i'm going for guang liang's passing out parade, happy for him cause he has been through alot. Hopefully he will do well in the unit he is going to. =)

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Thanks for listening to me and making time to come all the way from the east just to hear me out. Appreciated...

Finally i'm left with like only 2 mths to disruption. Though not ord, but iam more than happy to leave the bloody place... Ha! Anyway went for a run, determind to lose weight... getting fatter already, so i'd better put an end to it.

So far, i think i'm coping well except for stupid matriculation which is a pain in the ass. have to apply for grant, confirm user information, complete medical check up etc etc... And have to attend so many bloody camps and compulsory briefings!!
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Anyway, i dunno how the hell i did it but iam kindda over her already... Though there are still periodic stings whenever i thought of her but it wasn't as difficult. I guess i will only meet her once i no longer have the hidden agenda and just going out with her purely as friends. that will be hard though, cause not seeing her actually makes me feel better, ironically.
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Alright have to go off soon, tml's book-in day again... BORING!

Day 1 of a fresh outlook!

damn... saw sth that i should not have seen! blame it on the itchy hands.. Now iam feeling so guilty...!

Din know that it could affect me that much that i was actually tired but was consume by overwhleming jealousy or shall i say sadness...

It was then i realised no matter how much i do (which i dun think is alot in the first place), as long as the person she likes gives a simple gesture, it beats more than anything i do...

probably i went out with her so often that i forgot she doesn't belong to me and gradually showing her the side which i showed my guy friends, being vulgar and complacent... tried to look cool, act stupid, but in the end, when i went home i felt that i looked stupid... My true self isn't like this, why must i fake it? I want someone to be able to talk about basketball, someone who's sensitive, someone who will appreciate my silence...

On a side note, iam glad and i secretly wished her all the best.. Hoping she has the courage though to go for what she wants! it was this point that i gave up after possessing the thoughts of a possibility... haha... kindda felt stupid... cause me giving up din came from her rejections or words (she's not the type who is blunt enough to hurt nor avoid me) but came from some random note...

Gonna go for my run now if not its gonna affect me the whole day... gotta sweat it out and think about things. I need to start losing weight if i wanna go for basketball selection for SMU and look good to know more girls!! ha!

Tonight i dun feel fine...
At all...

Not that i dun like sharing my problems but i prefer to be alone
iam naturally "un-prone" to show my sadness...
i prefer typing it out...

seriously, FUCK this shit.. Literally...

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time I will fall
Into a place that fails us all inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels, they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly?
The devils, they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down?
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about
The things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear to see

Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels, they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly?
The devils, they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down?
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about
The things that could break us

If I were to give in, give it up
And then take a breath, make it deep
'Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one that could make us cold
That they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about
The things that could make us cold

One sided love is all about giving,
not about receiving...

Its not about being romantic and waiting,
its about the misery of wanting a hopeless outcome...

if you think one day ur gonna get him/her,
dream on...

it will only come true if the other party sees the love and is touched...
Ultimately its all about chemistry,
that is why one-sided love is perceived as a waste of time...

We dun need pple to tell us to move on,
we know when's right...
the only thing that is holding us is just finding the next "hope"...
afterall, humans are bloody leeches...

In the end its like a loop put on rewind mode, we will only move on once we found the next path...

its not a good sign if almost 70% of the brain cells is used to think of the same person again and again.. Its kindda irritating you know..

yeah right, as if u know its irritating...! ha!

reminiscing the old times we had...

things are going the wrong way...
i can't tell the direction nor dictate and decide the correct one..
it has always been a blur to me,
but all i know is as long as the initial objective doesn't change,
with determinaton and perseverance, you will get what you want one day...

I'm sorry for my dilema in deciding whether to meet you or not...
Because i know you will ask for the reason why we broke up, which ulimately makes me speechless...
All i can ensure is that it was my problem, not yours. you deserve someone better...
I'm sorry for being cruel but its for your own good...
Because i know the feeling of harbouring hopes to be with the someone you thought you still could...
I wish you all the best...

well well... i suddenly thought that i should really blog about something constructive. and not blog about her for like the past 100 yrs??! lolz... and u freaking readers (and god i know whether u guys exist or iam typing air) must be thinking huh so long already still talking about her ah...

alright to side track a little, my disruption date is on the AUG 13... and Aug 16 is the day i will be entering SMU and iam all hyped about it but pls dun laugh if i rop out of the course alright..!

oh yea,did i mention, i will be on a 2 week block leave...! which also explains the few things i need to accomplish... firstly, matriculation, secondly choose a laptop, thirdly, get a HP!! and last, read up a bit of my notes. at least A BIT. and i got a feeling it will just be like any of my unfulfilled new yr resolution.

alright basically this entry sums up some of the major updates in my life. gonna go play bball now. ciao....

you asked me why do i kept looking at you whilst u were aslp during the movie,
is it because i wanna ensure ur awake,
i wished i could have said because u look so angel-like during that time...

that was when i realized i've loved you more through these yrs but i've become more and more timid.

fear of a failed confession
fear of the after taste of rejection
fear of me not wanting to continue this friendship
fear of everything but not fear of liking you secretly...
i kindda lost it all,
because i cannot even afford this bit of courage...

maybe in the first place this was all a total failure...

do u live in self delusion?
a facade created by yourself, painted with scenarios which you thought were perfect, but were not?
have u tried to read the truth, and enter into reality?
and when here comes the truth, would u hide in your self painted world again, waiting for the day where your able to accept reality?

whatever the case, its the mind's doing and i know i can overcome it...=)

一个人哭过就好，
不要在为了一样的理由而难过就好了。。

Its wierd that in order to forget the person, the person must avoid the other party at all cost.

But i dun wanna do that. As much as i wanted to be only friends with her but i can't.
is there a way to still see the person but at the same time forgetting about her?
The more i see her, the more iam attracted to her.. which is kindda cliche cause ive been telling myself the past few years that i will forget about her but i just can't. Ive lied to her and said iam alright and cool with it but in fact iam not.

I think iam useless when it comes to this kindda thing. Somehow iam not tired about it, i dunno what keeps me going or why she's so attractive to me. But all i know is that the feeling is still as strong as before, in fact even stronger.

think i shall just fuck it, treat this as just a passing thought and just sleep.

Its been long.. i wonder if anyone reads my blog.. haha.. anyway just came back from thailand.. Freaking stressed up period... imagine working for one whole mth... haha, any workaholics will break down man...

And iam booking in soon!! Damn damn damn... hate this man.. how i wish it will all end soon even by means of disruption, i hope to leave this place... Though i will miss my gang in camp...

Hmm, i seriously have nth to update... so yea, ciao...

it is at this particular night that i wished i have a gf, one who will go all out just to accompany me tonight, just anywhere as we chat about anything under the stars... When will this be possible?

i know i sound like a despo... haha

Hmmm... its been long since i last had a serious blog entry.. Lately my mind somehow felt as if its switched off, talking without thinking, starbucks became starhub and many more. Wierd...

Anyway CNY's been pretty normal, and hangouts with friends doing lame stupid things... Hope to have them more... Went to bukit timah hawker to eat and now resting.. Dun think i wanna go out today though.. Spent like 200 plus this week..

Oh ya, iam off to thailand soon on the 25th feb, will be back on the 23rd march...
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has it occured to you guys that when you listen to a song, how much you wished that the rhythum and lyrics apply to you? I had it many times. And sometimes i even fantasize myself believing that the song applies to me... I think iam being overly random here again? Hehe...

I seriously have nth much to update, just wanna quickly start my uni term cause a whole new life awaits me and IAM BLOODY EXCITED!!

CIAO... Happy new yr =) But i know no one reads my blog =(

this feeling right here at that point of time was so true.
it gave me an answer to how i felt about you...
the anxiety, worry, helplessness when i saw u in trouble.
it just broke my heart...
i only hope that i was of some help in someway somehow...
i swear i nv felt this way before...

Sick.
Laid in bed, thinking about things...
Abstracts of you came to my mind all of a sudden
like a gush of water.
These images are drowning me,
taunting me at every single part of my mind...
Thanks for haunting me...